Have you ever fantasized about your death?

I do. All the time.

Every year on my birthday, I go through this unexplained period of extreme sadness. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that it was my own mortality that I was afraid of. Regardless of anyone's religious (or rather non-religious) views, everyone is in some way afraid of death.

The new year brings a whole host of hopes and dreams that we want for our future. And yet, it only reminds me of how little precious time I have to do the things I want to do. Travel places, meet people, and spending my life with the man I love. But anniversaries, birthdays and celebrations only serve to remind me that I have less time to do all of those.

But why is it that every time I swerve away from an oncoming car, I always manage to imagine myself hitting it? How the car would spin around, hit the guard rail and then see myself being flung into the ditch. My body at some twisted angle, my face turned towards the sky as the heavens poured. And I'd imagine it all ending. The life I've known, the life I've wanted...passes before me. And I'd stop breathing.

Morbid I know.

But I am not scared. At least not as much as I should be. Because life numbs you from the frightening thought of death. You meet another old friend, go out to the movies with the boyfriend, enjoy quiet evenings with a bowl of ice-cream and cuddle the cat. And the thought of death quickly fades as life takes over.